CHAPTER 9: TILA'S ULTIMATE WEAPONS: FAKENESS AND A FLOWER

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After she got home, she turned into Fake-Crocodile-Tears-Tila, complete with flower in the hair.

She called Cyclone again and left a sob-story voicemail saying someone had just tried to break in and she was scared and lonely. After about five minutes, he returned her call.

"I just got your message, are you alright?!"

No! Cyclone, I'm really scared this time, plus I'm vulnerable. None of my friends are home and I just need someone here for a little while to make sure they dont come back.

After a long pause and a sigh, he agreed to come over to check things out.

About ten minutes later, he showed up.

"Half naked again I see. Great. Well, looks like everything's all clear. You cant be that worried if you're in a bikini sooo yeah. Next time you make me come out for nothing, you owe me gas money. Lock your doors and go to bed, Tila. Seriously, you're going to make me have to change my number."

HEY, I had just gotten back from the pool and had NO time to change!

"Dude, I was here in 10 minutes, how long does it take you to change into some clothes?"

Tila finally just stood there and said nothing, and for the first time, Cyclone was mildly attracted. That, and he hadnt gotten any action lately either, and all this talk about doing it wasnt helping.

Well, clearly you dont have any interest in me. I'll just keep myself awake all night. I havent slept for four days, but it's okay. I dont need sleep.

She then went back inside without saying so much as a goodbye. Cyclone was shocked and strangely intrigued.

"Hey Tila, what's up with you? You really seem upset."

He sighed and reluctantly took a small ziplock bag out of his pocket, filled to the brim with weed.

"Here, take this and sit down with me please. Lets talk, I'll pack us a bowl."

He was hoping that this might finally be the moment he could get her to really open up and at least give him some sort of clue as to what exactly was wrong with this woman. If she would just do that, he'd be interested in her. That kiss earlier wasnt exactly horrible, as much as he wanted to deny it.

I'm just going through a lot right now... I try so hard to make everybody happy but it just backfires in my face. My fiance died a few months ago, and while I was mourning, people ripped me apart. All because I mourn differently than them. Just because I'm different and express my feelings, they hate me. I almost committed suicide on UStream for anyone who wanted to see. That's just how much I want to make people happy, because a lot of people tell me they wish I would just die already and get it over with. Maybe I should.

"Well I'm glad you changed your mind. I cant imagine what that must have been like for you. Why do you put yourself through all this though? It sounds like you have shit-tons of people who dont agree with a lot of the things you do. Have you ever considered changing? I dont mean completely, but just a few minor things? I can help you. How long had you two known each other?"

A month... we got engaged after two days. I just knew it was love.

Cyclone was a bit put off by that.

"Okay. Seriously Tila, I can help you. Just trust me."

See that's exactly what I'm talking about! You are the THIRD person since I moved here to tell me that! Everyone is trying to change me! If you dont like me for who I am, there's the door. I'm not changing for ANYBODY, and if you dont like it, tough shit! I DONT NEED ANYONE'S HELP, GOT IT?! I made it to where I am ON MY OWN, thank you very much. See that door behind you? GO THROUGH IT. I'm a MOGUL.

"You could start by just listening and realizing that not everyone is out to attack you just because they dont agree with you..."

GET OUT, PSYCHO-CLONE(Tila was never clever nor witty with 'mean' nicknames).

"What the fuck are you doing out here, Tila? I am TIRED of this bullshit. Stop fuckin' calling me. And wipe that shit off your face, you look stupid. I'd tell you to go into acting but you're horrible at it. I see right through you. Bitch, no wonder you're known for being the Internet Slut or whatever, you're incapable of real relationships! I'm OUT!"

Oh so now I'm acting? You're an asshole, you dont deserve me. Karma's a bitch and you're about to find that out very shortly, asswipe. I am a MOGUL, AND THE FUTURE AMBASSADOR OF VIETNAM, BITCH!

"Hahah oh no! Sik one of your "Tila Army" members on me, I'd love the entertainment."

'I have never sprinted away from a woman before, this is definitely a first,' Cyclone thought.

Oh trust me, the more you run and piss me off, the happier and crazier I become. This isnt over, Cyc-lick-my-bone.

...What the hell kind of nickname was that?!

At least he forgot his weed here... mmm Tila just wants to get hiiigh-eee!

Oh I bet, you've been sober for so long, you must be suffering.

This is the face of a true future Ambassador Mogul. If you enlarge the picture, you can even see the bloodshot glazed-over eyes.

@SpikedTequila, this picture is for you. I hope your weed addiction problems have been getting better, that UStream message you left broke my heart. ;) haha no but seriously, I died laughing at that. Hope you havent been waking up naked in the bathtub lately!

Damn that was some good shit... mama TT needs some pancakes.

No wonder people hate me! I'd hate me too! High quality EVERYthing, baby. Now this is livin' the fuckin' life. JEALOUS, ANYONE?

*crickets*

COMING UP IN CHAPTER 10...

TILA STARS AS THE STONED POLICE OFFICER

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned... haha

CHAPTER 8: TILA THE MILF'S VERY EXPENSIVE HAT

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*SIDE NOTE: these chapters were made before Tila's ridiculous whorish blond "Miss Tila" transformation. No worries, I plan on making her over to make her look more 'up to date'

The next day, Tila gave herself another random makeover she thought looked good, classy, practical, whatever. After going "INNN" on Violet on Twitter, MySpace, Facebook and her Buzznet.com blog last night, she knew exactly what to do to seal the deal. Go out and find a nice, good man. Someone who helped people, like a doctor or a scientist. Someone sweet and caring, just to rub it in to Violet's face for not believing her delusions and daring to call her out on things she knew Tila refused to improve. She is, afterall, a Mogul... actually I like the term "Hogul" much better (credit for that name goes to TilasRotSpot's blog)

Attack me for being different and not "NORMAL" and PERFECT like you, huh? We'll see who's smarter once I find an amazing, good man!

Uh, Tila? Take off that sillyass hat.

UM, HELLO? This hat is GUCCI, one of a kind. It was $12,000 because I had it custom made to fit my head. Would a POOR person buy something like that? I think not.

Oh, okay. My bad. I guess Forever 21 should get sued for replicating everything they sell to a tee. The nerve of Forever 21 to sew their own tags on every shirt, hat, and inside every shoe they sell when they're actually made by Gucci, according to you.

JEALOUS HATER. As a matter of fact, I'm in the process of having my lawyer send Forever 21 an email suing them within the next week! So yet again, I'll be the one laughing last while chanting, 'I WAS RIGHT YET AGAIN HATERS!'

The funny thing is, if Tila was just honest about where she got her things, people would like her. But I guess when you're pure evil, every day is opposite day.

Here's an "EXCLUSIVE" look at the glamorous Tila before she goes out to find this honorable man to shove in her once best friend's face for talking common sense and facts...

First, the Meth sore picking of course...

Next, she stared into space for about 45 minutes with a blank expression after nibbling at her meal that consisted of some sort of microwave dinner leftovers...

Next, she went through her phone to tell TMZ, Radar Online, and all the other Paparazzi to inform them that she would be out in public...

Then she decided to call TMZ back and bitch them out because they were evil liars...

...Followed by about 5 calls that were directed straight to voicemail after about two rings, including Cyclone's...

The rejection was just so sad, so she grabbed her "happy pills" and ended up choking since she decided to pop all 14 Percocet in her mouth at once while chugging a glass of Vodka, and about half of them went down sideways, resulting in vomiting on the counter...

So she decided to crush up some Oxycontin, mix it with coke and do a few lines instead. She felt much better, now.

The combination worked nicely for her, so she decided to actually clean up the vomit from just a few minutes ago. Bless her diseased heart.

Now. Now she was ready and in perfect condition to be in the right mind to find the man of her dreams. Boy, Violet will sure see who's boss now.

When she arrived at the local pool, she had a random revelation.

'You know... my face really does look like it was hit with a frying pan... hm... oh well. They're just jealous because their noses stick out and look ugly!' she thought.

Awesome, Tila pulled her guitar out of her ass. She's so good at guitar. Lets see how this goes!

"Okay, seriously? Way to ruin the fucking day, stupid attention whoring bitch." The girl sitting next to the random pissed off teenager had no comment. For some reason, her quietness made the other girl even more frustrated. "How are you standing this bullshit? Whatever, weirdo!"

The girl was laid back and had two cups of shroom tea before heading out, so she really couldnt have cared less. The water looked beautiful and there were so many pretty colors, and that's all that mattered to her at that very moment.

One of the local scam artists saw potential in this young woman who clearly resembled an insane asylum escapee... for the price of $300 to include "everything that comes with being a famous singer" of course.

Oh my gawd, you really think I have potential? I knew it! Everyone doubted me, but I TOLD THEM! Wait til I go home and rub this in everyone's... I mean, my hater's faces! I love you!

"Yes, well you will have the $300 in order to make this dream of yours come true, correct?"

Totally, give me your number and I'll call you as soon as I sell this painting I'm working on. It will earn at LEAST $10,000 if not more. It's brilliant.

"Uh-huh. Good day then, Tila."

DID YOU HEAR THAT, BITCHES? I'M GOING TO BE A STAR! IN YOUR FACE, VIOLET DELARAJ! Ooohh I wish she was here. Oh well, this is great, now I dont even really need to find a man, she's going to be SUPER jealous when she finds this out! She's old news, watch out world, are you ready for Tila Tequila!!!?!

Suddenly she heard a very faint voice scream, "Shut uuuup, biiiitch!"

Well this place is nothing but a dump full of haters. I'm going to the PRIVATE pool.

...waiting for that car that will come speeding down the road as Tila skips across the street... (god that would be so funny if this game had crazy drivers that ran people over).

Well shit, this place is dead... oh wait, I see someone in a suit! SCORE!

HEY SEXY BEAST, OVER HERE!

That's the perfect way to greet a man of authority.

This man was in the Military, so he was a patient man, but only for so long...

"IS THERE A PROBLEM, MISS?"

Whaaat? I cant hear you! Come closer!

I was just so impressed by how professional you look, sir. I'm thinking about making a difference for our country, because I was sent here to help the world. I mean, if the brilliant painting I'm working on doesnt sell for at least 10 grand, which is HIGHLY unlikely since I'm so talented and all. Which line of work are you in?

"Been a Military Man since 18, m'am. You interested in joining the Army? That would be very commendable of you to help serve our country."

The father of my baby was actually a war hero. He died in battle. ...Are you single, upstanding citizen?

"No m'am, been married 16 years this September. Sorry to hear about your baby's father. Must have been horrible, but at least he died a hero."

It's whatever. Listen, I'm sure you already have your amazing trophy wife, and I would never want to take that away from you... but would you be interested in having a Trophy Mistress? They call me a MILF, you know...

"Absolutely not! I love my wife and kids, now please leave! I also work here as a guard. I have the authority to kick anyone out, so dont give me any trouble and everything will be just fine. I'm not in the mood to call the police to take away a clearly troubled young lady."

Tila, always graceful to rejection, fired back with unnecessary comments.

YOU have kids?! I'm sure they're UGLY AS HELL!

I bet it was YOU who gave birth, you fat pregnant cow!!!

"You either leave now, or you get escorted away by the police. It's that simple. Leave a free woman, or spend time in a holding cell until tomorrow for disorderly conduct in public. You are clearly intoxicated, m'am."

STOP CALLING ME M'AM! Do I LOOK 57 to you?! You people make me sick! Nobody knows how to LIVE in this town, this sucks! I miss LA. You are ALL a bunch of boring lameass jealous PRUDES!

YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL THE PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET HEAR HOW YOU SEXUALLY HARASSED AN INNOCENT YOUNG WOMAN!

Clearly, this man is shaking in his boots.

Just a thought, Tila... I think 'the people of the Internet' are just a tidbit wore out on your constant victim stories. It's a bit odd that a stripper would be so upset about sexual harassment in the first place, no? Arent they conditioned to LIKE that sort of thing and how to defend themselves if it gets out of hand in Stripper School or something? Given he had actually sexually harassed you in the first place of course, which he didnt. But if it werent for her lies, she'd be SOOO boring. That, or perhaps more respected and well-liked, which is probably more likely.

Okay, enough rambling for the day. Stay tuned for Chapter 9, where Tila pulls off yet another stunt to make a potential victim feel sorry for her. This WILL be good.

(PS- that's the painting she's claiming will sell for at LEAST 10 grand).