Friday, May 14, 2010



Here we have Tila's horrendous makeover. She looks like such a SMART whore with those glasses, dont you think?

I am SO having a party soon. I am inviting everybody IMPORTANT. No LOSERS like the people I've been associated with lately. Only hot ballas and hotties with dollas!

Spoken by a true hogul.

Aww, she's so good at her job as a blog writer for or whatever. I could have swore she talked about how her blog wasnt going to be all about her. As a matter of fact, I even remember her saying she wasnt going to write much at all. She was going to put up contests and let people send in their own stories.

**QUICK QUESTION FOR ALL READERS: Does anyone remember that and have screencaps to a blog where she mentioned that on anyone's website? Only because I'm sure she's deleted it by now. If so, please post in my comment section or contact me ont Twitter. I'll look through the comments too and if I find it, I will update this chapter and include it for all to see. She was going to pick the winner and post it and give them the credit. Of course that idea was never going to happen, since Tila despises giving credit where it's due (See "Blue Dress" Ripoff where she YET AGAIN fails to mention credit is due to Depeche Mode on every site she promotes her album, and another song on her newest EP, "Welcome To The Darkside" with a whopping three songs, including "Walking on Thin Ice", another song that wasnt really hers, and "Blue Dress").

Yeah whatever, normal people dont know all the JUICY GOSSIP I have on all these people! I am the master at blogging, I've been doing it WAYYY longer than a lot of people. These other bloggers write SO much worserer than I do. Professional blog writers must know how to type and speak properly and I TOTALLY know how to do that. I aint no joke! Y'all bitches who like the other blogs better get used to theirs being gone and MINE being the only one because I'm STILL in the process suing for using the TRADMARKED NAME Tila Tequila better STEP! POW!

Lmao. So you really think reaching out to Lindsay Lohan is really going to make you some kind of angel? I'm fairly certain after what happened to Casey, Shawne Merriman, and pretty much everyone else you've associated with, not a single Hollywood celebrity or socialite is going to want to be "BFF's" with you anytime soon.

EW. You are so gross. You're just jealous you dont have a popular blog that tons of people LOVE. You're just writing about ME. Haha, LOSER.

You're right, gosh, I'm so stupid for writing shit about somebody. Oh wait, arent you writing shit about... Sandra Bullock? May I ask why, and what the fuck did she ever do to you? Apparently the votes are in, and you are quite jealous of her, as well as many other people, evidently... including "Piggy" *sudders at stupidity of nickname* Perez. Eh, what can I say? You're an amusing Sim to write about.

Your FACE is amusing.

Thank you. You will be such a fine, intelligent Ambassador.

I'm good at EVERYTHING, even eating hotdogs... and I look so HOT doing it. I dont know why this screams 'whore' to everybody, but whatev, at least I get attention!

Hmm. Eating this hotdog made me horny... dammit, that's right, I'm celibate for an entire year. Well... fuck it, I'm celibate until I find a guy worth of my magical beel-flaps.

I knew you wouldnt make it a year.

Oh, trust me... when I'm picky like this, NOBODY gets in my pants unless they meet ALL of my standards. Trust me, my standards are HIGH.

High as you? Damn... yeah, they must be ridiculous.

OMG YOU ARE SO FUCKING FUNNY. I cant wait to get laid and finally show your smug ass that there IS someone in this town that meets ALL of my needs and will treat me like the princess that I am!

Lets hope so, and lets hope that he turns into an asshole or something... because this storyline is getting old.

What was that, bitch?

Oh, nothing. Get back to your story. It's all YOURS.

Tila decided to wander around aimlessly and finally found herself at the gym of all places, where she ran into someone who looked like he had a lot on his mind. Business-like. Professional-looking... and HOT, according to her.

'Maybe he needs a roommate to calm his nerves... heh heh heh.... come on Miss Tila, woo this sucker into your spell.'

Meanwhile, that random girl just couldnt look away. This was so funny to her. Tila was so self-absorbed that she didnt even notice someone was staring at her while she was making weird 'I'm going to take over the world' facial expressions while cackling. The man apparently thought he was a pimp because he was brushing his shoulders off.

(It's a song by Jay-Z for those of you who read that sentence and were like, "HUH?!" Haha, just trying to help out).

I dont know why Tila is making those creepy facial expressions while picturing a yield sign... I cant decipher everything in this game because she's so ridiculous and random. Maybe the thought of yielding her new victim'sinsticts to run away with her 'seductive charm' so she can get him into bed was what the yield sign meant.

The random girl knew who this bitch was, and could not WAIT to blog about this later. Hey, like everyone's been saying, it's ENTERTAINMENT. If Tila can be skanky and write a shitty blog and put out shitty music and call that entertainment, other people can make Tila into entertainment by doing other things like blogging about her ridiculousness.

She was slightly disappointed Tila didnt comment about her weight, because she had been DYING to lay this bitch out ever since she started calling a girl on Twitter who merely just didnt agree with one of Tila's opinions. So naturally, true to Tila-form, she called her a fat cow just because she looks healthy with a soul and not a gremlin midget whose looks are deteriorating due to excessive hard drug use, like say... Tila! (@Melissa1983 is the girl I'm talking about. Add her, she's awesome.)

She didnt even really introduce herself. She immediately started in on how everything thinks she's a criminal and a bad person, but she's really not. She's really a sweet, loving, misunderstood angel sent here to save the world that everyone seemingly attacks. Her alter-egos are so fun to play with. It's either Miss Tila, Tila Tequila the slut, Tila Tequila the second coming, or Tila the Mogul. Either one cracks me up.

*Side Note* If she had actual Multiple Personality Disorder and she was getting help for it, my take on it would be different. But since a lot of people have been saying that since during the Jane Video she was aware of Tila's existence while in "Jane Mode,"so Tila really isnt suffering from this Multiple Personality Disorder where she turns into a thuggish girl called Jane. If I've researched this correctly while using some common sense, these people are right. People with Multiple Personality Disorder dont recognize the other personalities. For anyone who has been doing research on Tila's old tweets, she claims that she had no idea what Jane did the night she "came out as Jane" on UStream. She played clueless, acted as though she had no idea she was even ON UStream as Jane, and seemed all surprised when people were saying that Jane was dancing because according to Tila, "Jane never dances." My favorite Jane line is still, "I take over Tila Tequila's body when she's sleepin'..." and, "...So all you bitchass TilaArmy motherfuckers who wanna watch Tila Tequila strip, sorry son, she aint HERE." If I'm wrong, please let me contact me on Twitter. That might be easier than just leaving comments actually since I check Twitter more often. Okay, back to the regularly-scheduled story.

"Lady, you are hilarious. I think I've seen you online... you look familiar, but I dont know. You kinda look like Tila Tequila with platinum blonde hair and glasses. You just must be a look-alike trying really hard not to look like her, eh?"

Ah, no, stupid... it's really me. I dont like to go by Tila Tequila anymore. I'm Miss Tila, because I deserve that name now. I've earned it because I've become so successful and the Queen of all Moguls, as well as The Queen of Gossip Blogs: TilaTequilaOMG, isn't that a cute CLEVER name?! it's so hard to have friends when everyone is so jealous of successful people who have made it on their own without help.

"Wait, you have a blog out called TilaTequilaOMG and... that's supposed to be popular and cute? You remind me of a wanna-be Perez Hilton, no offense. I call 'em like I see 'em. You have juicy gossip on celebs? Who are you again? You're crackin' me up, lady."

'No wonder she's ripped. Workin' it on the stripper pole as much as she does, I can only IMAGINE how fit this whore is. Workin' the pole takes major muscle. Why does she keep embarrassing herself and just stick to her night job?!', the random girl in the background thought to herself. She was getting a kick out of this, yet she just couldnt turn away. She wondered how long she could stand there before Tila caved and started acting bitchy towards her. The more she stood there, the more she was dying to knock the bitch out in her heels and slutty dress, and she was even more ready to pull off that sillyass wig.

"Why are you trying so hard to prove yourself to me? What is it that you need from me? Did someone refer you to me? It's true what they say, I'm an excellent lawyer."

Ah, no. I had absolutely no idea who you are, and I already have an amazing lawyer. I just moved here, so I really dont know who anyone is in this town. I just thought you looked important, and well, judging by how you just left the gym, I'm going to guess that you're very disciplined and, dare I say it, a complete stud in the bedroom. That's um, all...

"Hahah, well, no offense, but I dont exactly know who YOU are either. You say you're successful? At what, exactly? At first glance I thought you were here to say, 'Lookin' for a good time?" and ask if I would give you a ride to some shitty hotel so we could get it on. I thought successful people were pretty well-known throughout the nation, even if they did just move somewhere new. So no, I'm sorry, while I have heard of you, I've just seen pictures of you on the Internet, and I saw you in Playboy back when I was still in college, so all of that was YEARS ago. I just moved here as well, in case you couldnt tell by my British accent... although even when I've lived here to the point when I can finally adapt and lose the accent, I think I'll keep it anyway."

Uhh... HUH.... fascinating. I do a gangster accent when my alter-ego Jane takes over my body when I'm asleep.

"That sounds like quite the bitch indeed."

Indeed, Nygil.

"It's Stiles, smartass."

Oh, okay. Haha, whatever, fancy-shcmancy lawyer with a British accent. I'm sure that's how you get ALL the ladies.

...Meanwhile, inside the gym...

"Little girl, why dont you go home? You live right down the street , sweetheart. You've standing here all day, are you scared to walk home alone today?"

"See that crazy looking lady out there with the high-heels and the wacked-out haircut? She's scary and she's going to think I'm part of her Tila Army. I used to be, but not anymore. Ever since she broke up with Shawne Merriman and started making freaky UStream videos, she's just been acting weirder and weirder. Plus, she never keeps any of her promises and she really does lie to her fans a LOT. The garage sale was the LAST straw. I'm sick of looking up to someone who thinks sleeping around is the way to become successful in life!"

"Oh, that skinny tart? I'll beat the shit out of her if she gets in your face. Good for you, honey. I'm glad you've seen the light."

"You'd seriously knock her out?! Cool! Wait, lets see if anyone clocks her out first, though."

"Hahah, yes that woman who was standing out there earlier was certainly fighting the urge, wasnt she?"

"Yeah, everyone pretty much does now-a-days when they see her and know who she really is. I used to feel sorry for her and left numerous messages begging her to get help. But she always ignores her fans and continues focusing on proving herself to the people that hate her. She still thinks she's perfectly fine, so there's nothing left I can do."

"You're right... except let me clock her one!"

Apparently Tila was suddenly cracking hilarious jokes while this numbnutts apparently had his happy pills kick in and was laughing it up like a bafoon. Wow Tila, could this really be the one you take home to show your impressive hotdog eating skills?

I know we just met, but out of everyone I've talked to here, I've enjoyed your company the most.

"Thanks, uh, Miss Tila... I've enjoyed your company too. Well, I've got to get going, so... you've got my number. Call me sometime."

How about I do you one better... instead of calling me sometime... why dont you come on over to my place? I've got a fantastic tub we can soak in with a HDTV right in front of it so if you have a game you need to watch, POW! It's there!

Whenever I suggest someone to come home with Tila, it sends them running for the hills. It cracks me up and frustrates me at the same time.

"I told you I had to go, Tila. Sorry, bye."

Your loss, bitch! I'm never asking YOU over again!

Cold-feeted motherfucker...

Aw shucks, Tila. Looks like your gynormous mangina will start to become a very comfy home for your crabs and numerous other diseases.

I am a MOGUL. I am supposed to be with someone who helps bring in the BACON without being lame. Time to smoke some meth and go on SEVERAL meth induced rants. Twitter, TilaOMG blog full of juicy gossip about people that isnt funny, just flat out mean and stupid because I"m a meth-induced fail. HERE I COME, INTERNET. FEEL MY WRATH.



...Later that night...

Hmm... yes, so everyone in Crystal Lake is a sleazy good-for-nothing selfish ass-goblin who refuses to help out people in need! No one has a dream of becoming Ambassador or actually DOING something with their lives, they just sit around and act like they're all pretty and important! THEY DONT GIVE A FUCK! I dont either, but at LEAST I know how to LIE ABOUT IT!

It's so cute when Tila's jealous, isnt it? Yeah, not really. It'd be a lot cuter if she wasnt such a hypocritical bitch about it.

*types frantically making numerous spelling and grammatical errors about absolute dribble no one cares about that she just decides to type because it just so happens to be going through her delusional head at the moment while siting other blogs and Wikipedia*

Maybe you should channel your assistant, Jane. It seems as though a mentally deranged 11-year-old wrote it. Maybe Jane is better at writing, as you claimed earlier that we should be able to tell Jane and Tila apart on Twitter, since Jane is the one who types semi-normally and "Tila" types like an idiot. Or wait, was it that Jane types more ghetto and you're more "teehee and butterflies" as you've referred to yourself before. *sigh* you've referred to yourself as a great many things, I've begun to lose track.

**By the way: How many of you actually believe Tila's sister is helping Tila out on this blog? Here's a link talking all about it. If she really is, is there any way someone can contact this woman? I'm sure someone already has, but I'm behind with the times since I dont get to go on the Internet very much anymore, and when I do, my time is limited because the connection I'm feeding off of tends to disconnect at random times. If anyone has actually been able to contact Tila's sister, please let me know! Okay, onward with the story...

Yeah, like I said, dont see YOUR blog as popular as mine!

It's cool, actually. I'd honestly rather have a small amount of readers that enjoy what I write than have a million hits with an average of about 90% hating it and not even reading through the whole thing.


And then she announced she would be shopping at the mall in one hour and to tell all of her fans to meet her her there, even though it was 5:45 in the morning. She then consumed more various drugs and passed out.

It was a good day for a hogul.


(Oh, and Tila's new and improved HAIRSTYLE of course! LIKE, OH-EM-GEE! ...*massages temples* yes, I should call it a night).

Hope you enjoyed... thanks for reading :)

No comments:

Post a Comment