Friday, March 19, 2010

Chapter 4: Tila's First Encounter

*For better quality, click the pics!*

Tila's first few days in her new home were quite eventful... in Tila's mind, anyway. Constantly Re-Tweeting compliments from other people just to show the "haters" how popular and loved she is has become almost a full-time job! Poor, poor Tila. Why are people so obsessed with someone who fakes a pregnancy, jeez!

She has also decided to take up painting, since she's talented in ALL areas. She's already mastered music and acting, now it's time to master becoming a famous artist.

Ehhh, I cant do this anymore! Must... check... responses online to make sure I'm still being talked about! I need to think up of a new EXCLUSIVE story, and fast!

Come ON, Tila Army! Wake up! Your duty is to go INNNN on these haters on Twitter and Facebook! Spam spam spam!

Ha! My army always has my back. Such mean hateful people with no life! Uhh, hello?! I just had an amazing garage sale out of the goodness of my heart. I dont know of ANY other celebrities who would do that for their fans. I am an amazing person! I love myself so much, I'm just BURSTING with love and compassion! Sigh, it's a full-time job praying for all of these haters.

Deciding on making a salad instead of mac and cheese? Much better choice, no oven involved...

Plus, we've all seen your mad knife skills...

Finally, a meal suitable for eating. It ended up being "Normal Quality." Not good, or excellent, just normal. The first normal thing Tila has done in quite some time.

I know, right? Take THAT, haters! I can be normal too because I am human! ...A human who is an angel in disguise of course!

Before Tila prepared for her meth-crash, she dressed in the appropriate attire, her bikini and high-heel stripper shoes, and had one HELL of a night. Whatever Tila dreams about she claims is real. Here is a recap of her insanity:

First, she drempt about the night she got engaged to the love of her life and the ballin' 17-carat diamond... 'those body guards and the people at the pawn shop can suck it, it was TOTALLY real,' she heard herself say in her dreams yet was convinced it was Casey who said it.

She drempt about how she would stage her next fake death...

...I'll just pretend I'm the killer and log on to Twitter again... that was fun...

Then she had a nightmare about her music and how it was a massive failure...

After the nightmare, Tila had a brief moment of clarity. That was quickly erased when suddenly, there was the Ambassador of Crystal Lake standing on a podium with Tila in front of a huge crowd. As everyone was cheering, he handed over his title and everything he owned over to her...

...All of his money (that she's giving EVERY PENNY to charity, of course)...

...A new mansion on her own private island...

...All people on their knees apologizing for being mean haters while worshipping her greatness and purity...

...And how she will update her wish list just knowing people will jump right on buying her more fake tacky diamonds and other presents.

Oh yeah, and then she drempt about all the new high-tech dildos she'll be able to buy as a rich Ambassador mogul. Wow, what a night! Does this game know Tila or what!?

You'd think a night of orgasmic dreams would leave a person refreshed and ready to conquer the world, but in the life of a drug addict, that feeling doesnt start until your first fix of the day.

After her drug cocktail, she decided to go outside to check out the scene. She just so happened to run into the paper girl at the same time.

'Shit...' Hey, sweetie! Boy that doesnt look like much fun!

'Whoa, she really looks spaced out...'
"Hi, Tila... how have you been?"

I'm awesome! I'm sure you've heard I'm hiring people to sign for my record label! If you're tired of delivering papers, you can live here with me for free! Only catch is you have to work for me of course... how does that sound? Like your dream come true, right?!

"I'm really happy for you, Tila! I actually play piano, I'd rather give you a CD of my songs instead. I think my parents would miss me if I moved out to live here. Thanks though! Can I send you a CD of my songs sometime?"

No wayyy, you're too young, silly. The stage is for us older folks!

You can always keep in touch with me though by following me online... I have a Facebook page, Twitter, a website, and a DATING site... if you're 18, you're free to join and get crazy on your webcam with other people! Fun times and wild parties all the time! Hehe!

"Bye, Tila. I dont think I want to be your fan anymore."

She promptly ran away after that.


After that, Tila started wandering off of her property because she was so high and unfocused on where she was or what she was doing. She couldnt get over how pretty the colors were. Anyway, she ended up at Izabell and Zo Nugget's house.

'What is this yetti doing here? ...Is that... is that Tila Tequila? How rude of Zo to be so cruel to Tila, she needs help!'

Hey new neighbor!! I know you know who I am, and yes it's true! We're neighbors! Are you down with Tila? C'mon, gimmie a HELL YEAH-YUHH!!!

'Okay, she's acting like a jackass but it's fine, we all have our moments...'

"Umm, Tila? I do love you and all, but can I talk to you? Honestly I want to be a friend, and friends tell each other the truth, right?"

Umm, no offense, but have you written a self-help book? No? I have. I know where this is going, and I'm going to stop you right there. You hardly look like a person fit to be giving advice to other people. You're nothing but a FAKE pretending to be a fan, HA! You just want me to go down like all the other HATERS.

"Now wait just a minute! I---"

Blah-blah-blah, I dont care, heard it all before. Dont waste your breath. I'm thirsty, so if you'll excuse me, I need a soda.

"I wouldnt go in there if I were you, my daughter is in there and believe me, she has NO sympathy for you! In fact, she downright hates you."

Oh I'm so scared of the angry teen hater. BRING IT ON!

"I warned you."

'What the fuck is this... is my mom behind this?!'
"What the FUCK are you doing here?! MOMMM!!!"

"Ahh, honey... Tila is our new neighbor, she just stopped in for a soda. She'll be leaving in a second."


"Hold up, mom... actually, I changed my mind. I dont want her to leave quite yet."

***Tune in to Chapter 5 to find out how it goes down... thanks for reading!***

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Preview For Chapter 4...

Tila's Assistant

**Click on the pics, they look better that way!**

Tila had messed with the wrong person. Avante Crumplebottom called the police on her crazy ass. After her assistant had to bail her out, she decided to get Tila a new house in a new town, Crystal Lake. Luckily, her assistant knew some key people, so she was able to rent a house for Tila that surrounded a quiet, wealthy neighborhood. Right now, her job was to make sure the public had no idea Tila was broke and has nothing but good things going on. If this were to fail, Tila would need an exorcism. Her assistant was told that the people of Crystal Lake would want nothing to do with Tila and was forced to give all of them her phone number and ordered them to call her right away if she is caught making a scene in public before the police catch her first. Of course in The Mind Dé La Tila, she is moving here because of, not only crazy stalkers of course, but because she knew it all along, she is one rich boss-bitch, so lets see how long she lasts in THIS house....

*Hangs head in shame*

That version sounded way cooler... but before I go on, as embarrassing as this is, here's what really happened:

I did something idiotic that my Sims game didnt approve of, so it decided to delete all of my Sims characters and saved games. In fact, it even decided to take it a step further by giving me a pop-up when I tried to enter the game basicaly saying, "There's suddenly no way of proving this game actually belongs to you and isnt pirated. Why? Well, it's because you put a bunch of folders and files in with the Electronic Arts/Sims folders, and since you're working with a Mac, there's no 'Undo' or 'System restore' for your mistakes. Please uninstall and try again, because we need that stupid identification code located the back of the directions booklet we give you for The Sims 3 CD. Hehe! Shoulda stuck with your PC!"

Thank God I didnt lose my CD case and directions for a game for once.

I am currently using a Mac for the first time in my 24 years of existence. Obviously, I'm still, after several months of use, getting used to it. While it's relatively fast and pretty and all that, I really miss a lot of the features Windows had.

One minute I'm all excited because I thought I finally found a website that allows me to download free awesome Sims hairstyles, as well a website which had the Mac's version of WinZip free to download. The next minute, the program that claims to unzip any file for the Mac, doesnt, or at least not the files I needed to, finally leading up to the problems I ended up having. Needless to say, by the end of the evening, all the frustration rendered me slightly-to-moderately intoxicated.

Anyway, yesterday was a slightly better day not only in Sim-Land, but for my brain as well. I was able to find a website that not only didnt make me do a whole bunch of ridiculous shit just to download a damn hairstyle and a few clothes, but I was also able to download quite a few things that will make up for the fact that we'll never know what happened with Avante Crumplebottom and Tila's alter-ego, Marilyn Monroe.

Since I'm adding custom Sims to the neighborhood for Tila to interact with, the story will have much more going on from not only Tila, but also from other characters' points of view from time to time when Tila gets too monotonous. Here's a preview of who will be in the up-coming chapters and what will be going down. Enjoy! ...Or at least try to...

The New Neighbors

Violet DeLaRaj



-Great Kisser

-Virtuoso (means very talented in music)

-Party Animal


Life Goal: Heartbreaker

Violet is a well-known music artist in Crystal Lake, and naturally someone Tila has "gone INNN" on in one of her blogs long ago. Violet and Tila actually used to be best friends before Tila blew up on MySpace and was just a seemingly shy girl that had just gotten into modeling. Once Violet became more successful with her music however, Tila took it as Violet "leaving her high and dry" and stabbing her in the back. Violet actually had tried to get Tila in with her management, but they refused to after reviewing what they saw to be trash.

After Tila found out, Violet consoled her, trying to be a good friend, and suggested some things Tila needed to change in order to move up in the business. Since Tila stayed stubborn instead of strong regarding who she was as a person and wouldnt listen to constructive criticism, all she heard was, "I'm jealous of you and afraid you'll become more successful than me." Naturally she went nuts and accused Violet of outrageous lies, such as stealing Tila's dog and force-feeding it chocolate to try and kill her. That was definitely the last straw for Violet, and she soon told Tila that if she ever accused her of something so outrageous again, she would be contacting her lawyer.

Drew Polinski



-Great Kisser

-Hopeless Romantic



Life Goal: Heartbreaker

Here we have the guy who thinks he completely relates to people who have had it rough in life, yet is the son of a very wealthy man. He's confident in his ability to he blow Lil' Wyte and Eminem out of the water. He believes his lyrics are brilliant and can win any free-style battle (he's 0 for 6, but of course claims he's won all 6). He thinks he's hot shit because he's earned himself a few grand here and there "landing" gigs.

His father owns a mansion in South Carolina with a built-in professional recording studio and works with quite a few rappers who have actually made it in the business. He's very well-known by all the wealthy businessmen in the area. While Drew still lived at home, parents who had money and a responsible budget would sometimes throw their princess a "Sweet-16" party at a hotel, park, or the beach. When they found out just how expensive it really was to hire a rapper to perform at a birthday party, they ended up having to settle for Drew, since his dad offered 3 hours of performing (auto-tune and other musical professionals had to be guaranteed or there would have been no deal at all) for only $1,300.

These parents werent broadcasting their daughter's party on MTV, so they couldnt have cared less how many times their spoiled brat cried and screamed, "I WANTED 50 CENT! I ALREADY TOLD MY FRIENDS HE WOULD BE PERFORMING! I'M GOING TO BE THE MOST UNPOPULAR GIRL AT SCHOOL NOW! I HATE YOU!" (Haha, Sweet-16 MTV bitches are the best/worst). Luckily, his dad knew someone who was amazing at making beats, so auto-tuning and the fact that the beats had so much bass in them you couldnt even hear Drew rap were the only things that saved him.

A slight-to-moderate douchebag, he will more than likely become obsessed with Tila once he finds out she lives two houses down. I mean, just look at the back of his jacket.

Uhhh... yeeeah. Moving right along....

Izabell Nugett



-Natural Cook

-Party Animal



Life Goal: Become a 5-Star Chef

Izabell is one of those "still trying to be hip" moms, except her fashion sense is horrendous. She's going through a mid-life crisis though, which is understandable. She recently went through a messy (mostly caused by her drama) divorce which devistated her. Her daughter Zo, although very talented, isnt the bubbly, preppy cheerleader Izabell wishes she would be.

Her husband, a very successful surgeon, fought HARD to gain custody of their daughter due to Izabell's erratic tendencies, but she ended up winning custody anyway. To make up for it, he made sure Zo had a nice home to live in, and always sends her gifts and letters telling her until she turns 18 and legally allowed to move wherever she wanted, she was more than welcome to stay with him. Izabell knew Zo was counting down the days until then, so was desperately trying to spoil the hell out of her by letting her do whatever she wished, because poor Izabell is terrified of living alone and losing the only legal tie she has left with her husband.

Zo Nugett






Zo is actually not as bad as she seems. Sure, she's an angst-filled teenager, but hey. You would be too if you wanted to live with your father who was always there when your mother was constantly out partying and getting drunk. She's very artistic and constantly draws and writes lyrics and music to play on her guitar.

Being the secretive, mysterious girl she is, lately she's been doing certain things she knows she shouldnt be doing, but in her mind, it's all apart of being a teen. The only things that make her happy are her music, art, mind-altering inspiration, and the fact that becoming a legal adult gets closer every day.

As far as her stance on Tila, she used to be a fan, actually. After the divorce, she changed quite a bit. She learned not to be so trusting of people and soon realized that Tila was nothing but a demented (and NOT in a cool/unique/funny way), pathological liar addicted to the type of drugs that ruin lives and eventually end up killing the user.

Unfortunately, Izabell remembers when Zo used to be a Tila fan and liked her too. Now, she just cant let the fact that Zo is no longer a fan, because it reminds her of the days when Zo was "normal and happy" and they had some common ground. Zo is disgusted that her mom refuses to acknowledge that there is something wrong with Tila and still loves her no matter what, further worsening their relationship.

Since she's only a teen, I was only able to choose four traits instead of five, and there was no option for a life goal. Once she turns into a Young Adult, she will gain a fifth trait at random, and the game will give me the option to choose a life goal.

Gregory Spitzer



-Great Kisser

-Commitment Issues

-Party Animal

-Easily Impressed

Life Goal: I forgot to write it down because I'm an idiot... but does it really matter? This man has 1.6 million dollars.

Obviously, this is the type of guy Tila will be dying to try and meet and claw all over. She already knows of him, since he owns Club Flamingo, the most popular club in Crystal Lake. Naturally, Tila googled all the "hot spots" around the area, and when she found out she'd be living close to the actual person that owns a "hot" club, she went all MC-Pee-Pants. So yeah, this is the "baller-status", attractive type that Tila will eventually run into, to make up for the loss of Avante Crumplebottom.

Terrence Vadia and Crystal McZelda

(the Heidi and Spencer of Crystal Lake)

Terrence Vadia


-Good Sense of Humor





Life Goal: Perfect Mind and Body (Max out Logic and Athletic skills)

Your typical "I'm the shit because I used to be a frat boy and quarterback of my college football team" type of guy. How is this douche kinda-sorta rich? Well, it's thanks to a silly reality MTV show called, "Who Can Whine The Most While Camping On a Beautiful Island For One Month" where he met the winner of the show, his current wife, Crystal McZelda.

Thanks to her, he's been able to keep his fat face on TV and in the media by going on two other reality shows with her called, "The Zen Life With My Wife" which ended up with horrible ratings due to the stupidity, then finally called it quits when they both unfortunately won $250,000 on the reality show "I Will Sell My Soul For Money" where 12 couples degraded themselves, put their marriages on the line by switching partners during challenges, and even voted certain people to spend the night with "the winner" or "the loser" of whatever challenge they had to do. The "night alone" consisted of drinking a lot of booze, 'flirty board games', and having to share the same bed complete with a secret hidden camera in the room and bathroom "just to see if betrayal would happen/for ratings." Of course, the last couple standing won, and that couple was the relentless, money-hungry, Team Terstal!

(Combination of Terrence and Crystal... kind of like that gay Speidi bullshit).

Crystal McZelda



-No Sense of Humor

-Absent Minded



Life Goal: Master Writing and Painting Skills

She wanted to keep her last name because, and I quote from her Twitter page, "I'm Irish and love my name way better than Terrence's. His sounds like, Italian or something. I'm not Italian." Obviously, Crystal isnt the brightest crayon in the box.

Ever since she met Terrence, she has pretty much lost it. She never had a desire to have plastic surgery until Terrence kept suggesting it. She eventually cracked because on top of his obsession with women looking like Barbie dolls, she couldnt take the heat from all the media giving her nothing but negative attention. In her mind, she was convinced she really had been ugly all her life, and everyone was just lying to her to make her feel better. She actually believed the assholes in Hollywood were the only ones who had ever really been honest with her by telling her plastic surgery is the only way to get anywhere in life.

Unfortunately, she is now a full-blown addict. Not only is she completely addicted to all the money she has earned and keeps earning, the attention her antics has gotten her, and now a new addiction from plastic surgery recovery: narcotic pain killers. Not even negative attention phases her anymore.

Until she finds a psychiatrist, she will eventually be another faint memory and Terrence will be on the hunt for another woman to mentally destroy.

Lets just hope she never runs into Tila, as wounded vulnerable addicts with money are Tila's favorite targets.

Attention ladies: That up there is your face on plastic surgery and botox. Is this really worth it? Toughen up that skin, not every guy is going to think you're pretty, no matter how beautiful you are. Everyone has a different opinion of what beautiful is, so just because not every man that you've come in contact with hasnt given you a positive compliment or has commented your online picture by saying, "you're ugly" doesnt mean you need to run off and get plastic surgery. More than likely, you're actually pretty hot just the way you are. Trust me, we've all gotten the "ur ugly" comments.

Just because you cant land a guy that isnt "Abercrombie and Fitch" material, or doesnt have shit-tons of money, doesnt mean you're ugly, either. The truth is, more times than not, that's the type of guy you want to end up with. An awesome personality is what makes an average-looking guy on the outside a fuckin' fox!

Sorry, I just had to rant real quick about that because these particular Sims reminded me of Spencer and Heidi after I made them. She was fucking beautiful before ANY of her surgeries. That's pretty sad that she let the people who made fun of her and compared her chin to Jay Leno get to her that badly. Sure, she claims she likes negative attention and she can poke fun of herself, she's even made fun of her own 10 plastic surgeries, but still, she has to be hating herself on the inside just a teensy bit.

Oh, and a guy who condones surgery like that on a beautiful woman yet still claims to love her with all their heart is full of shit. Yes, I'm looking at you, Spencer Pratt, you faggish little boy. Okay, sorry! I have ADD. Back to the matter at hand...

Anyway, just your typical "we were on a few low-rated reality shows so that makes us A-Listers, lets get married so we can always have publicity, fame, and MONEY together" type couples. Sure they act like they love each other, but do they really? Only time will tell...

And now, of course, Tila Tequila. Traits and life goals are the same, except I switched up "Mooch" with "Inappropriate" just to make it even more fun. Tee-motherfuckin-hee-hee. Sorry if the resemblance isnt as good as before, I was still pissed about having to make a new Tila so this one is pretty ugly, haha. In a way though, I guess it's fitting since her appearance has drastically gone downhill anyway.

Sorry this chapter was more rambling and less actual story, but I just wanted to fill you in on what's going on.

Haha, I know I'd be confused if one minute I was reading about Tila as Marilyn trying to seduce Avante, and the next she's in a new home resembling something completely different talking to random people out of the clear blue!


Chapter 4 coming within the next 24 hours! Pictures already taken and ready for a story-line. So in the infamous words of Tila, "TO BE CONTINUED.....!"

**Note to TRS:**

Thanks for being patient with my ass. I'm still trying to fix the malfunction going on resulting in my blog blocking your page. I've been changing a few settings here and there hoping they work. What kills me is, I never even knew how to block anyone until I finally found the option while trying to find out whether or not you were blocked. When I finally did find it, it said I have no blocked members or blogs. So basically, the fact that you are still blocked is leaving me sitting here with my blank, retarded "duhhh" face on. Well, that's my normal face of course, but now it's even MORE confused looking.

To everyone else reading my blog, THANK YOU, and please dont forget to check for updates on the sites under the "The Good Shit" section of my blog, because they are the real geniuses working their asses off to make a positive difference by helping those who have been, or eventually WILL be wronged by Tila, as well as providing a good laugh and all the information Tila says herself, deletes, then tries to deny!