Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Chapter 1: The Epic Interview of Destruction

After being up all night long, Tila is ready and in her right mind for her interview. She has already let the Twitter Community, MySpace, and her other website know that:

"The most important, famous interviewer in Sunset Valley already wants to do an EXCLUSIVE interview about ME! Since I still want to keep my life private though, I will ONLY be talking about my music, my next concert, and possibly a NEW project in the works! FINALLY no mean girls or Paparazzi! I know you're jealous I live in such an amazing place but people can just tell I'm destined to save the world! I deserve at LEAST a congratulations, show some decency!"

After about 500 negative responses, Tila "got dressed and fueled up" for her interview.

Sorry about the crappy picture, but if you use a magnifying glass, Tila is standing outside in her fly-ass bikini and Virtual-Reality sunglasses. The "Interviewer" approaches, with her cousin accompanying her.

OMG she brought someone else?!

(maybe it's... the... photographer...)

As Tila approached, Sandra (aka Johanna, the fake name she gave Tila) was HORRIFIED.

'Does this girl own a mirror? This is even more ridiculous than I thought!'

Johanna, you never said anything about bringing someone else with you!! Who's this STUD MUFFIN?!

"Oh, um, this is my photographer, Brad. Hope you dont mind, he's very professional and takes amazing pictures."

Hey boo! You look like my sexy war hero friend! mmm!

"Sup, TEEELAHH... *muffled laughter* Are you ready to give me some TEQUILA SHOTS, babyy?"

Dont I always?! Arent I such a MILF?!

"Yeah baby you totally got it goin' AWN!"

DUH! Of course I do, hahahah! Everywhere I go there's a Tila Army member! Write that down, Johanna! POW!

(author's note: I LOVE THIS because I've never seen a Sim with that thought bubble before)

'Oh my dear baby Jesus this girl is even worse in person! What have I gotten myself into?! Oh well, a job's a job... I dont know how these other people who actually do serious interviews with her do it!'

She took a deep breath and tried to think of a serious question.

"Okay! So, Lets talk about your new music! Blue Dress, Pop Rox, Stripper Friends... how does it feel when people tell you they're rip-offs of other peoples' songs?"

Honestly, people are obsessed with what I do and I have NO idea why. They are going to say that my songs are someone else's just to stir up drama, but here's what you DONT know! I already talked to Depeche Mode, Joan Jett, and Aimee Allen beforehand because we're all really good friends since I um *smack lips* used to hang with Smashing Pumpkins, and they all said they were honored TILA TEQUILA was using their songs! This is just like when Vanilla Ice got slammed for his song sounding like Queen's song Under Pressure. Whatever, right it still sounded hot! Just like my songs! It's like, SO sad that all these haters will do all this just to get my attention. Sorry losers, as much as you try, I WILL NEVER HIT ON YOU! Like seriously, that's all it is. Jealousy. Everyone LOVED my songs when I performed and I even made the people who were controlling the volume of my microphone cry when I sang "Blue Dress" because it was so heartbreaking.
(no this is NOT an actual quote by Tila Tequila. Just verifying because there's some really weird talk of legal shit regarding blogs going around lately)

Sandra was speechless. Brad couldnt even sarcastically say she looked hot anymore.

"You lying BITCH! You're about to be mournin' over your career REAL soon so I suggest climbin' a tree right about now because THAT'S HOW YOU MOURN, REMEMBER?"

Sandra had enough too.

"Yeah, I see you have a lot of rose bushes around... need a flower for your boobs?"

BITCH who do you think you're talking to?! YOU just had the PERFECT chance to be one of my VIP's but you BLEW it. I was going to let you and your friend come with me on vacation in 2 weeks to my VERY OWN PRIVATE ISLAND but you know what? Forget it! You will be hearing from my lawyer VERY soon!

(Go, Tila. You handle situations so gracefully. You will be an amazing Ninja Ambassador.)

And YOU! Johanna, you're just upset because you dont look like me! Another JEALOUS soul. I will pray for you both AFTER bashing BOTH of you on my Twitter and blog!!!!

Brad was leaving.

"You just blew it, you havent even been here a week and already after this, you're going to be driven out of here too. I'm out of here. This bitch is wack."

You'll be sorry! You just messed up BIG time!! You could have been one of the ones I have come here to save but I guess there's no saving evil people like you!

POW! Why did you bring him? He wasnt professional at ALL, and he didnt take ONE picture of me! What is up with you guys?! How do you know that I DIDNT talk to them? HUH?

"It's just that you constantly claim things and the proof you show is either fake or very vague. You claim everyone else is the liar. You know damn right well those people didnt talk to you and say it was okay for you to not even give them credit for their songs. It's one thing to make up silly things for laughs and fun, or make fun of something in a funny way, but the lies you produce to gain popularity are just sick. You dont see that? Or are you just so fame-hungry you dont even care?"

Why do you care what goes on in my life? I cant help it if the media takes what I say seriously! Get a life! You can leave too! I have a business meeting with Razb2k in an hour. I flew him out here so we can discuss his upcoming album featuring ME of course!

"Oh no need to kick me out dear, I'm gladly leaving!"

Are all people in Sunset Valley like this?!

"To you they will be. We dont take kindly to people like you. Enjoy your stay! It should be very interesting."

You're damn right it will be, BITCH... you have no idea what I'm capable of! Tila Tequila retired from Hollywood, bitches... it's JANE'S time to shine...

Tila blogs, "Jane is back, bitches. Tila is sleeping right now. She's had a hard couple days..."

Tila Tequila - intro part 2 -

This is the outfit I ROCKED when I went on my concert tour ALL OVER AUSTRALIA. Syle by Bradshaw. He is a styling GENIUS. It was his idea to go to the eye doctor and ask for a bunch of those glasses they give to older patients after eye surgeries and stuff, then added designs to them! Like I said, GENIUS.

These legwarmers are HOT!! Just you watch, people are going to start copying me and my style. Just remember when you see a bunch of girls (and possibly even guys!!) wearing these legwarmers remember to give credit to ME! Also, notice the shorts with hearts on them. More proof that yes, I am indeed an angel disguised as a human.

(legwarmers went out in the 80's/early 90's, you didnt invent them, and those look ridiculous.)

MR BRADSHAW DOESNT THINK SO. Your legs are probably too FAT to look hot in legwarmers, HATER!!!!

YEAHH, bitches this is where it's at! Only thing is, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY GORGEOUS DOUBLE-D BEWBAGE? Ugh, isnt there a plastic surgeon in this place?!

(I dont think Sims care about boobs here...)

(uh-oh. It looks as though someone's about to go 'INNN' on my ass.)

Are YOU a Sim? Didnt think so! Plus, you're just jealous because I know you're DYING to fix that huge nose of yours! You have a face only a mother could love! I'm going to pray for you.

(I'd rather just keep what I have then take the risk of messing up my nose even further, thanks.)

LIKE I SAID. Jealous because you're poor. Praying for you!!! Okay, my final outfit is the sexiest of all.

I love this bikini because it almost looks like I'm topless!!
(**NOTE TO READERS: okay, I know, obviously I dont have any cute unique hairstyles/accessories/outfits for my Sims. If anyone knows a site or two that lets you download items for TS3 for free, please let me know so I can try to make this story better. Thank youuu!)

WAY TO USE ME FOR PUBLICITY, ASSHOLE. Anyway! I love how I can still wear these outfits while pregnant! Sucking in a baby is something only petite women with a certain uterus structure can do. Luckily God blessed me with such a feature. SO THERE, HATERS!! TAKE THAT! POW!

(One day you're going to run into a VERY angry hormonal REAL pregnant woman and she will beat the living tar out of you.)

Okay, I'm going back in the house for a minute to change back into my normal clothes and do some other stuff. I'd appreciate it if you didnt follow me. If I was an attention whore, dont you think I'd let you take pictures of EVERYthing I do?

(I think the reason you dont is because... well, I think we all know why.)


(AGAIN, Tila?)

Again WHAT?! I'm just tired because unlike you, I HAVE A LIFE. ...Ohmygawd. Why is there an orange car coming up to the house?! It's stopping!! IT'S THE ILLUMINATI. Person who keeps hating on me in italics, WHAT DID YOU DO?! I am sooo calling the police!

(I didnt do anything, paranoid much?!)

(Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, someone in Sunset Valley read your Twitter and saw that you're living here?!)

I dont stop to think, stupid. In my life, I do and say whatever comes to mind no matter WHAT! IT'S NOT MY FAULT THE MEDIA FOLLOWS EVERYTHING I DO. She's coming out of the car! Wow, she looks kind of important... paparazzi already, I KNEW IT! Ha, everyone is obsessed with me! Goodbye, Hollywood, HELLOOO Sunset Valley! MY NEW SAGA IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!

"Hello, my name is Johanna. I'm starting a new website and am interviewing well-known people in Sunset Valley. I read that you just moved here, so I just wanted to verify that you are indeed Tila Tequila."
"I'm SO ready for this interview! Lets DO THIS!"
"Unfortunately I'm already booked for another appointment. How is tomorrow at 11am?"
"Perfect, you know I'll be here innocently just Tweeting away! HAHAH! What's your number and email address?"
"Sorry, not at the moment. I will give you all the information you need after the interview. What I need from you, however, is your phone number so I can contact you tomorrow morning to make sure you're ready."
"555-772-6563" (spells out 'SPANK ME' ahah yeah I'm immature at times)
"Great, thanks. I'll be keeping in touch with you. Take care of yourself, Tila."

Before Tila could respond, she walked away. 'As if I would tell her my real name. Wow, THIS is going to be good,' Sandra thought to herself. She grabbed her phone and immediately texted her cousin who was studying to be an actor.
"I found our village idiot. Can u come w/ me tomorrow when I interview her and act as obnoxious as possible?" she texted.

He immediately replied and said, "u know i wouldnt miss this 4 the world. im there"

We'll end this intro to Tila's "New Saga" with a picture of Tila compulsively checking Radaronline to read the article titled, "TILA TEQUILA MEANS BUSINESS THIS TIME!" Even though Tila constantly gripes about how the media is evil and never tells the truth, she still enjoys posting the links on her Twitter just to prove to everyone that she still is indeed getting attention.
Damn right, bitches. TAKE THAT, HATERS! POW!


Thanks for reading. If you have any constructive crit or suggestions, please leave a comment. If you guys liked this idea, I will post Chapter 1. Pictures and ideas are all ready to go!

Tila Tequila - intro part 1 -

Since would not allow me to upload this story after three attempts, I have no choice but to do this blog-style.

**DISCLAIMER** This story is for entertainment purposes only. This is a fictional SIMS story regarding non-fictional SIM behaviors, some of which may or may not be accurate regarding Tila. If you lack a sense of humor or are sick of people talking about Tila Tequila, this site is not for you.

Here we have Tila Tequila, ready to ruin The Sims community. Here come the traits:
*Insane (pretty much a 'no shit' statement right there)
*Evil (anyone who claims they're God's messenger is indeed, evil)
*Mean Spirited
*Computer Whiz (I wish there was a 'computer addict' option instead)

Favorite Food: Goopy Carbonara (it was the closest thing I could find that resembled Raman Noodles)
Favorite Color: Red (as if anyone cares or really knows, I dont)
Favorite Music: Custom (because she's obsessed with her 'own' music, even though most of it isnt even hers)

OMG guys! This is my new mansion in Sunset Valley. I had sooo many stalkers and Paparazzi following me, I had to leave Hollywood since I am retiring and all! Plus I want a peaceful place for my new baby and new 2 year old from Russia! Ahh I cant wait to go on Twitter and tell everyone about where I live and post 8 links of my blog!

BUT FIRST, omg I need my fix before going on Twitter!!! I'm about to fall asleep! I cant, if I do, people might forget about me!!

(but I thought you didnt want attention)



(you just moved here, how do you know someone already?!)

I know a Ruff Rydah that used to live here. I called him and he hooked this boss bitch UP! I have MAD connections with VERY VERY powerful people here already. I even got the Ambassador of Sunset Valley's number and he will soon give up his position to ME!! Dont mess with Tila Motherfuckin' Tequila man!

(you're doing a great job of laying low so far!)

(whoa, Tila. You dont look so hot.)

OMG yet again, JEALOUS. Here is me PROVING to you how hot I am with these badass outfits! If you wanna see me and my other outfits, say "YEAAAHH-YUHH!!"

(*dead silence*)

OKAY here we go!