Sunday, May 16, 2010



A week later, Tila had brought in enough money from stripping at the local "Gentlemen's Club." Sure, why not? She could use another makeover before ruining someone else' life.

That whiney goody-goody Violet moved across the street from the house she originally lived in. Wow, THAT was her definition of 'moving'?! Girl is SAD.

No, girl is sick of you constantly scaring her, and on a technical note, the house she moved into cant be visited by Tila for some reason, so that works out.

Tila was interested in the new kid in town that moved into Violet's old house, so in true Tila fashion, she prepared herself to visit, uninvited.

When she got there, he was already standing outside awkwardly.

Um... hello? Are you like, totally stoned off your ass right now? Are those clouds swirling in a trippy manner or something? If so, I want to be what you're on!

"Nope... I'm just figuring out what to say to the infamous Tila Tequilaaahh. Name's Drew Polinski."

Um, yeah... nice jacket. Is that... is that ME on the back of it?!

"You bet your sweet ass it is. I got it made back when you were just first starting out as "Tila Nguyen." Cant have too many shirts and jackets with beautiful women on them."

He sure had "the swagger" and he knew how to use it. He had to in order to make up for his douchebaggism.

When he turned around, she had no idea just how attractive he really was... well, according to Tila, anyway. Guess it was the confidence/slight asshole thing.

"So... what's with the blonde hair, fake blondie?"

Oh, um, HEHE... I just feel more edgy with blonde hair... plus, I'm no longer known as Tila Tequila. I am NOW known as Miss Tila. Get with the times, Drew. 'Miss Tila' has edgy blonde hair because Miss Tila is the one who is going to become well-known. Not as 'just the stripper whore Tila Tequila.'

Drew started dying of laughter.

"But I thought that WAS what you were mainly known as. I didnt want to say anything because I'm a nice guy and all, but damn, Tila, what happened to you? You should be THANKING me for wearing this jacket. It reminds people of how hot you used to be. No offense, but I thought you were WAY hotter before al this makeover mess. My friend made me visit this website showing recent pictures of you and your one album cover "I Fucked The DJ" or "I Love MY DJ", some weird shit like that, where you were sitting on a boombox spread-eagle with your hair looking like a family of birds made it their home. Not to mention your pictures in Las Vegas and New York. The blonde hair, dollar bills, and you were hanging upside down on a friggin' POLE!"

Thanks to, Here is a perfect example of how Tila has gone downhill since about 18 or 19. She now resembles one of those cracked out grannies that never married and brightens up their day by sprinkling Lithium on chocolate ice-cream. A definite must-see for those of you that havent. It's even more disturbing than I originally thought.

Another example of how she plans on improving her "Rep" as the new Ambassador of Vietnam. I'd say she's certainly on her way. Oh sarcasm, what would we do without it?

"Dude, all I'm sayin' is it sounds like your new name, 'Miss Tila,' is actually your NEW stripper name."

NO, you asshole! Miss Tila is my new name because I've EARNED IT with my SUCCESS! GOD! How many times do I have to tell you people?!

"Hahah well Miss Tila, I'm not one of your Twitter friends and I dont keep up with TMZ or any gossip sites, so I dont keep up on how many times you 'have' to tell people stuff. I just so happen to have a younger sister who is obsessed with you. She loves talking to me about you when I come home for the holidays. I think she may be in love."

He was kidding, of course, because every time she talked to him about her, it was to make fun of her. He left that tiny detail out, however, because he was in no mood for Tila to go psycho-bitch. She ended up as a short blip in Crystal Lake's newspaper a few weeks ago, when she was interviewed which he actually read, and it sounded like Tila was not the type to be crossed. He'd known women like this before, so he knew how to handle her. If he wanted to get laid, which naturally he did, he was going to have to play it cool.

(***The interview is in one of the first chapters. If you'd like to read it***)

I had NO intentions of acting that way in Vegas and New York, but there were SOOO many people there rooting me on and asking me to do some dance moves. You should have seen that crowd! They were TOTALLY interested and rooting me on! At first I was just dancing, but then one thing lead to another and the next thing I knew, I was making it RAIN, yo! It was amazing. And the other strippers loved me so much they let me take all the money I owned including the money they earned. Everyone I met was SO nice and completely focused on me!

"Planning on going back, then?"

Ohh... oh no, I need to focus on my new blog that will make Piggy Perez Hilton wish he was never born! I am SO going to be the new Queen of Gossip. The "OH-EM-GEE" of gossip, which is even BETTER, dointcha think?!

"Uh... sure... I guess?"

Once you read my blog and listen to my songs, you'll understand. My song "Blue Dress"...ohmygawd, everyone LOVES it. Almost as much as my first hit, "I Fucked The DJ!" You can make fun of it all you want, but it was the #1 most requested song by all of my fans, so your hater opinion is irrelevant!

Drew went into complete hysterics.

"Okay, ENOUGH with the gushing over that horrible song. I didnt want to tell you this, but I did play your song at a party once. It was at a bachelor party as a joke, my friend's little sister had it and we asked if we could borrow it. We were fucking WASTED. We played that song about four times over and over again just dying of laughter. 'I fucked the DJ, I fucked him reaaaal good...' Ah man that's funny. Sorry, I mean, you dont really expect a serious response from that song, do you? That's a song a prostitute would make fucked up on E or somethin'. Am I wrong? I can only imagine what the lyrics are like."

(Before I go on, notice the man standing idly across from them? Lets check this out for a second)

Wow, check this out. It's Terrence Vadia, the man married to plastic surgery queen Crystal McZelda. They dated at first, realized it wasnt going to work, so they decided to stay together and stage a fake marriage. Crystal was desperate with no talent and knew without Terrence, she would be nothing. Her obsession and compulsive need to be better than Heidi Montag eventually ate her soul, thus ending the feelings Terrence once had for her. Terrence loathed Heidi, and he wanted to smack the beard off of Spencer Pratt's smug deformed jawline.

He was staring at Violet, who was standing outside across the street staring at her new home. It appeared as though she was standing next to some very curious random people.

When he saw Violet, he saw perfection, and not in the fake plastic surgery way. Unlike Spencer Pratt, who claims his third eye opened and his now gayly showing off how cool he is by wearing his energy rocks and necklaces while showing off how amazing his life is thanks to money he doesnt deserve, Terrence couldnt stand being around all those empty souless money-hungry bitches and alpha-males. Violet showed him what being successful is really about and brought out his true talent- guitar. ... I know, I know... I would say something else, but the hobbies in this game are limited.

(I miss the piano! I need to download one).

it seems as though she met some new people I've never seen before. I found out the lady's name is Maria Vlysis. I thought maybe her baby would be hers, but it has a different last name. Apparently, that baby belongs to...

This weird looking random man with the same last name as the two babies. I have no idea whether or not this man is Violet's boyfriend or the other woman's boyfriend, but either way, this situation is odd. I'll have to see if I can check it out later. From what I can see, Violet looks trapped and unhappy. Maybe it's because Tila is directly across the street from her. Or, more than likely, it's because she's surrounded by a bunch of homeless moochers that appear to be squatting at her new home.

Back to the story at hand...

Tila just laughed/squeeked. In fact, it was amazing how right he was.

'Finally,' she thought. 'Someone who likes me, but doesnt bullshit around. Well, so far anyway...'

No no, it's fine... actually, yes. I know, my lyrics to that song are absolutely ridiculous. Truth-be-told, I purposely thought of the raunchiest, most outrageous lyrics I could think of, with the help of a couple horny guy friends of course, and that song was a song we laughed about over and over again. I mean come on, I was in a band when I was a teenagere. I mean, I suck of course, but I can think up of better lyrics than that.

"Then why dont you promote a song that you wrote from your heart that you're proud of?!"

That's why I made the song 'Blue Dress,' dumbass!

"Why do you keep on insisting that you made that song?! You didnt, get over it."


"Okay okay, fine... whatever, Jesus. All I'm saying is, true talent comes from the heart. It's fine to be outrageous sometimes, but not to the point where NOBODY takes you seriously."

Drew was getting sick of arguing with a brick wall, so he decided to change the subject and fuck with her some more.

"So what's you're story? Are you single or is this flirtation and genuine interest vibe coming from you all in my imagination?"

Me? Single? HA! You should BE so lucky! I have guys lined up at my door every NIGHT! It's so hot at my house. I'm a LOT to handle. I am amazing.

"Hahah yeah, I'm sure you are. In case you forgot, I moved next door to you. I live in your ex-chick-friend's house and I certainly havent seen a single car in your driveway, so you must keep them all in your closet. Creepy little woman. Anyway, you didnt answer my question. Are you hitched or what?"

How dare you talk to me like that! You're lucky I dont have my pitbull Onyx (poor Onyx, I hope he's okay) with me or she would bit your ASS off! I actually WAS seeing someone, but we just broke up. The reason why you never saw a car was because he always walked over here. So just... just shut up before I talk shit about you online some more! You have no idea what I can---

Drew interrupted her.

"Hahah, I love catching you off-guard. Aw, you're going to write shit about me online? Make sure to add that I sexually harassed you. OH! Can you make multiple Twitter accounts? You should totally make a fake one and say it's me."

Tila was left with her mouth open stuttering about being single for a few seconds.. She wasnt used to a response like that. She was all revved up for a fight, and he ruined it. She tried getting angry about that, but she just couldnt.

Yes you asshole, I'm single, okay? Are we done here?! I was going to see if you wanted to hang out, but now if you'll excuse me, I need to go home to Twitter about how there's a STALKER that just moved in next door to me and he stands outside on the lawn peering into my house with binoculars!

Drew pulled her close.

"That's REALLY funny. I wasnt even close to being done, and now I'm DEFINITELY nowhere NEAR close to being done. You came over to see me, so you're going to entertain me to make up for keeping me from what I was planning on doing."

Oh yeah? And what was that?

"...Going fishing at the beach... I just got a new fishing pole, and havent fished since I was 5 with my dad."

Oh, how quaint. I hate fishing, it's disgusting and boring.

"Then I guess you're lucky I wasnt planning on inviting you. I can go another time. Like I said, you came over, and you're entertainment. Isnt that supposed to be perfect for you, since you love being entertainment for people?"

It depends on what I'm doing. If you expect me to start stripping for you, forget it! I was all about that earlier, but you totally blew it.

"I highly doubt I blew anything. Speaking of 'blowing it', just curious, how good exactly are you at that?"

Strangely enough, Drew enjoyed teasing the shit out of her because he could tell she was falling for him. He knew how hard it was to actually get the attention of a woman like this. He knew exactly how to handle her. Amazingly enough, he's never had a problem getting a woman to fall for him, no matter how unattainable. The problem was, once he finally succeeded, he completely lost interest.

As for Tila, for some reason she was falling for his baby-blues and knew she could get him to sleep with her. She had been pining away for Cyclone last week, but finally after the 7th phone-call, he told her he was in a serious relationship and that he wanted to help her and be a friend. But since she was impossible, he just couldnt do it anymore. Plus, his girlfriend couldnt stand Tila or the thought of her man comforting a disease-infested whore.

Tila doesnt want to be rescued, and she doesnt want a friend. She wants several fuck-buddies and a millionaire looking for a trophy wife. Cyclone was too 'nice' and women like Tila never went for the men that were actually good for them. Clearly, Drew was not going to be doing any rescuing, and he wasnt the type of guy to have "gal-friends." Also, she enjoyed the fact that she knew his actual name and didnt go by a stupid nickname. Totally understandable, right, "MISS TILA, aka TILA TEQUILA, aka JANE CORDOVEZ, aka MS. NGUYEN?


They talked some more, and she learned that he was a millionaire at one point but blew half of it away. Unless he had some sort of music talent so she could manipulate him into letting him sign onto her imaginary label while she only promotes him on Twitter and Facebook and makes his own fake "Official Page" with a few of his songs on it as well as a Twitter and Facebook page where she could promote him some more, she might consider letting him date her. Half a million dollars wasnt bad, and if he continued working to make more money, she would beg him to be her trophy wife until he had no choice but to accept.

'Oh, manipulation and evil... how I love thee...' she thought to herself.

"...Luckily though, I have a pretty sweet reputation as a uh.. dont laugh, but I'm also a guitar player. I write my own songs. I've been to a few gigs, but trust me, they were just hole-in-the-ground clubs and bars. Man, I actually tried to land a gig in Australia back when you toured, but my PR is such a ditz..."

PERFECT, YOU'RE A MUSICIAN! Tila about sharted dollar signs out of her ass, she was so excited.

"Yeah well my people are busy with other talents... better talents, apparently. It's not completely hopeless, I just have to work even harder than I have been and it'll happen."

THAT'S where I come in! I'm the best PR-manager-Mogul there is! I'm the next Diddy, baby. I've already promoted one artist HARDCORE, but then he had to go and steal MY music!


RazB2k... ugh I dont even want to say his name, there's people outside who probably heard! I'm promoting him AGAIN! I bought him a $15,000,000 mansion! Back when he was cool, he let me sing one of his songs in Australia without him being there.

"That expensive, aye?"

Drew was the king of bullshitting, and he had met the queen. There was no way in hell he was going to let her 'manage' him, but he played along anyway.

"Wow, you sure are giving. Letting him have a ridiculously-sized mansion while you're living in an average-sized home. I'm sure he wasnt 'cool' with you singing his song in Australia. That kinda sounds more like you were stealing his shit. I mean, why couldnt he join you in Australia if one of the songs you were singing featured the guy you were supposedly promoting? And no offense to the guy, but I've never heard of him. Since I'm a DJ I know about and get all the new hits and songs, so I should have at least heard of him..."

Uhh, then you must be a HORRIBLE DJ, because every time I go to a club, the DJ's ALWAYS have my songs, AND Razb's, not that I care about HIM anymore.

"Hahah, right. Okay, lets talk about something else."

Okay, FINE. You're a DJ? That's hot, wanna fuck me?

"Umm okay, I'll be the conversation starter, then."

Terrence overheard her ramblings and felt the sudden urge to have her heart bleeding on his shirt instead. Tila did, after-all, ruin his love affair with Violet when she had no business to.

Anyway, he was gloating on how poorly this meeting was going. Tila really sucked at communicating, and this guy was cracking him up. For some reason, he just couldnt move. It was sad, and starting to become awkward.

"On a new note, I read in the paper that you were looking for a roommate. I was thinking about possibly taking you up on that offer. I'm more than capable of paying 50% every month, since my parents forced me to put 95% of my earnings in savings. I'm thanking them now though, that's for sure. I'm just in a slump right now, I havent done anything new lately because I'm just not feelin' it anymore. I just got screwed over by my crew, and I'm just not in a good place right now. Shit, I'm an idiot. I really didnt want to reveal all that about myself, but I had to change the subject from sex to ANYthing else, even stupid personal shit that is really none of your business."

I'm glad you told me. I know all about being screwed over. I'd be more than willing to help you out if you give me a chance. And the reason why I DONT have a huge mansion is because I give my millions of dollars to charities, fans, even random people I dont even know! I'm a very giving person.

"Yeah, with what you got goin' on between your legs there, I'll bet you ARE a very giving person, but that's about it."

Oh trust me honey, you WISH you could get your hands on this, but it's so not happening.


..Strangely, yet refreshingly because it needed to happen to make the story slightly different,, this idiotic conversation was actually working on Drew.

So should we make mopey over there jealous and start makin' out?

"Wow, that's kinda bitchy, dont you think?"

Apparently he secretly thought it was a good, amusing idea because he wasnt frowning like most normal Sims do when they are asked stupid questions like that.

That guy's an asshole. He married some girl who is addicted to plastic surgery and money. She totally fucked up her face and since I always get the exclusive scoop from all the insiders that no one else knows, I found out that she did----

"Dude, seriously. Please, shut up and get back to the main subject... you were saying something about a kiss?"

Keyword, "WAS." Not in the mood anymore. No one cuts off Miss Tila in the middle of a conversation.

"Sorry, but someone has to if they want to move on to the next phase of this little meeting. You came over here uninvited. I assume it wasnt to gossip about Terrence Vadia and Crystal McWhats-Her-Face. Please dont be 'that' girl. I hate gossip and couldnt care less. I do, however, like talking about kissing."

Oh yeah? A minute ago you were desperate to change the sex subject.

"That's different. A kiss is something you can still do with a person and still be friends with them later."

Wow. Are there NO man sluts around here?

"Shut up."

One of Drew's traits was "Good Kisser" so Tila was instantly seeing stars.

Okay well you're obviously a manwhore, I mean, only men with shitloads of experience kiss like that. So what's with you not dying to sleep with me?

"Hey, so I used to get a lot of tail back in the day. I work out and I'm into music, chicks dig that... but I'm 32 now. Just because I'm resisting your alluring advances to fuck our brains out doesnt mean I dont want to."

Ohh, I see... wow, you got ED at a young age, sucks to be you!

"If there werent people standing outside right now I would shove you to the ground for saying that. NO, I do not have ED. I want to fuck your brains out, trust me. If I was 5 years younger, we already would have, and you'd already be at home typing about it, just like you want. I'm still the same guy, but I have a new rule with women, now. I want to get to know you first, because now I'm only screwing women I care about."

Oh, that's not a problem. I'll get you to care about me in less than 24 hours, honey.

Drew laughed and shook his head. This was going to be fun.

You think you're so hot with your "Great Kisser" attribute. After I kiss you, you'll throw your beliefs right out the window.

"When I was visiting my family the other day, my sister was freaking out saying how you were claiming to be now celibate for a year anyway."

Ugh, I just said that online to get the losers away. I'm sick of every loser hitting on me!

"Uh, hahah, it sounds like you havent gotten laid since you moved here, so I'm not sure who you're trying to disappoint."

SHUT UP AND INVITE ME INSIDE ALREADY! The sound of your stomach rumblings are SO gross. I've had time to become the best cook in the world, I'm not kidding. The manager at Millions of Milkshakes once called me and asked me to make their milkshakes! Seriously! He was like, 'I honestly want you to do this, Tila! I'm not kidding!' and I was like, 'No way, you are SO kidding!' That really happened!

"Fine, I'll put you to the test. Make me pancakes."

Give me sex.

"It's cool, I can get IHOP carry-out... i knew you were a 100% liar. You cant cook for shit."

For some reason, Tila kissed him after that statement. Her arm also disappeared inside of his Tila jacket. Also, apparently everyone in The Sims has a line across their neck.

I can cook, asshole. I've been making my own food since the day I moved here.

"Congratulations, shut-in. Prove it and make me some pancakes.."

You know, you're being very impolite to your GUEST.

"You werent invited, remember? Besides, you havent told one bit of truth yet. If you want to get more than an occasional tiny make-out session when I'm bored or not busy, shut your big mouth and get your tiny ass in there!"

Tila was as desperate as a puppy in a pet shop window watching all the potential owners walking in to take them out of their glass prison. She was planning to blog and Twitter this later anyway, proving to her "haters" that she never lies, so this was the perfect opportunity to brag her ass off, and to assure everyone that SHE has a life, and no one else does.

She really had been upping her cooking skills. I decided to fill that humungous head with knowledge containing something other than stripper-pole moves and manipulating people for money.

The good news was that Tila actually finished her painting. The bad news (to her) was the painting she was working on while tweaking on Meth, nodding off on a mixture Oxycontin and Klonopin, or both, was only worth $368 dollars. Pretty impressive painting while heavily drugged up on hardcore drugs, but $368 just wasnt good enough for Tila's standards, so she decided to hang it up to brag about to guests until she can persuade someone, possibly a mother of a Tila Army member, to buy it for at least 2,000. She is definitely the next P. Diddy.

I cannot believe I'm making a meal for this stupid asshole. Breathe, Miss Tila. You are no longer Tila Tequila. You are classy, hot, and capable of impressing anyone and everyone.

"I can hear you ranting in there," Drew yelled from the other room while waiting for his dinner being prepared by his supposed chef.

Shut up and get your spaghetti you lazy idiot!

"SPAGHETTI?! UGH! I wanted pancakes! I knew you couldnt cook."

It's night-time, there isnt an option to cook pancakes. This spaghetti's the shit, so you'd better eat it.

"Damn, bossy. Calm it down with the 'you betters' and the 'shut up and get it' bullshit."

Tila just sighed. He was actually breaking her down.

To show his disapproval for the spaghetti, he somehow stuck his hand through his plate.

Wow, that's the perfect way to win over someone, by sticking your hand through the plate and ruining the food.

"Hey, dont blame me, blame your game, it glitched on my hand and now it's full of sauce. This wouldnt have happened if I had gotten pancakes."

Shut up about your precious damn pancakes already before I decide to make a pool, make you get in it, and take away the ladder.

Drew was actually pouting. He picked at his plate like it was pig testicles.

Done already? I guess you really didnt like my food afterall. You win. Whatever, does it make you feel like a bigger person?

"No no it's not that. It was delicious, actually. It's just that I dont really like spaghetti."

Yeah right, just say you dont like it, geeze.

"Unlike you, I can tell the truth. That's the truth. Deal with it, like I'm trying to deal with that nasty fake blonde hair."

Shut up about my hair already! My stylist did it for me and it looks FABULOUS.

"I just like natural hair, that's all. Plus your stylist Mr. Bradshaw calls everyone 'gems' and I want to claw his stupid gems off of his stupid sunglasses."

I am so sick of people saying my stylist is ridiculous! Just because he just so happens to have a different style from the NORM.

"Having a different style is awesome, but making people look like idiots is not. You cant seriously think he styles people nicely, do you?"

It's not about "styling nicely" for me. I'm a wild child, and he knows how to style me to look that way!

"I wish fake gold chains, fake birdnest hair, fake long nails, and tacky leopard tights didnt equal a wild child style to you. Your real appearance looks so much better, and more people respected you for being real, yet edgy and sexy. But I'm sure you've heard and read that about a million times before and it goes in one ear and out the other."

"Tila... TILA?! Did you hear a WORD I just said?!"

Of course I didnt, silly. I've learned to block out all hater comments, sorry. NOBODY can change me.

*Yawwwwwwn* well I'm exhausted. Mind if I crash at your place?

There was a long, uncomfortable silence.

"Uh,I kind of do mind. We did just meet and all."

Right, like one-night stands are new to you. See if I ever cook for your stupid ass again.

She heard drew sigh.

"Tila, wait---"

Tila enjoyed being dramatic and stupid, so she continued to run home. She had another stupid plan brewing.

Miss Tila sure is different than Tila Tequila. When she got home, she decided to take more sickening pictures of herself and post them on her buzznet blog while alerting all of her Twitter followers.

Naturally this was a Meth-induced rant and plan, as she kept posting the same two links to these pictures saying how stupid Drew is to 'pass up such a perfect little package.'

She lost about 100 followers that night. Aww. So the next day, she deleted all the blogs, pictures, and Twitter rants t and naturally denied it all, true to form. Damn, the Tila Resistance looks so stupid with their solid evidence once again. Over 1000 people had to read her rantings last night, and it's so cute when she tries to claim that sites that expose her are liars that use photoshop.

...Stay tuned for Chapter 13, when Tila actually gets a roommate.
**Thanks for reading**