CHAPTER 6: ANOTHER ALTER-EGO EMERGES...

**CLICK ON THE PICTURES TO MAKE THEM LOOK BETTER**

Tila decided to attempt not looking like a complete slut for once and do something with her life.

(Translation: Tila just had a wonderful cocktail of Xanax, Meth, and Oxycontin which made her not only confident, but it made her feel smart and completely sure of herself).

Whatever, hater. Maybe if YOU had some happy pills you'd get a life. Look at me, I have a life. I'm going out to find the love of my life while you sit at home and hate on me.

Wow, even on "happy pills" Tila still manages to snap back with such hurtful comments. In the words of Tila, what a mean girl! Moving on...

After wandering around the city, she found herself at one of the local fast food restaurants where she ran into 'Cyclone.'

Oh my god, heyyyy!!! It's the manly-man I met at the club last night! You must have read my Twitter saying I'm walking around today all thugged out as Jane! You stalker... hehe! I'm not really Jane right now, it's me, Miss Nguyen, the classy Mogul. I just said I was out as Jane to make sure all the haters and Paparazzi leave me alone! Those stupid haters, fuck 'em!

"Dude whatever, I dont even have Twitter. I told ya before, I dont even know who you are, really. Why would you be worried about Paparazzi, you're just a chick on the internet who shows skin, that's nothin' new."

So you're saying you dont care that I'm famous and have tons of money? You'd love me as I am? I mean, I am rich and famous of course, but most people just use me because of that. They dont get to know me. I'm soooo different in person! I just had a garage sale and proved to all of my fans just how sweet I am. I told them I'd take pictures with them, give away free autographed pictures, and all the stuff I sold was really really cheap because I understand that most people are dirt poor and not as well off as I am.

"Uhhh... my little cousin, you know the one who likes you 'n shit... she fuckin' went to your garage sale with her friend and that's not what I heard. Actually, I'm pretty sure you charged something like 10 bucks for an autograph and only let two chicks get a picture taken with you because you had people there filming you for their gossip site. That girl still loves the fuck outta you for some reason though, and I really cant figure out why. You kinda sound like a real bitch. My aunt drove them down and it took two hours to get there, waited two extra hours for you to show because you were late, and in the end, they couldnt even buy anything because most of your shit was over 100 bucks."

....My Tila Army shirts were only a dollar...

"Dude your fans already have your fuckin Tila Army-whatever shirts. You told them it'd be cheap and lied. Like I said, she still loves the fuck outta you and it kinda makes me sick, especially now after meeting you."

Yeah okay okay so what... I hadnt slept in days and I get panic attacks in public. I was nervous. I thought I was going to get ambushed by an angry mob because I have so many stalkers and haters on Twitter... so many stalkers have tried to come to my house and kill me. My stuff gets stolen all the time. And every single one of them were one of my followers on Twitter. That's why I had to keep shutting my account down and that's even why I had to move. Twitter is a mean, violent website. But I love my fans so much I decided to stay, just for them. I really am a perfect person. Those were things I totally WOULD have done if people werent such meanies, but they prevent me from being nice so I just end up looking like the bad guy. I'm such a nice, loving person who just wants to make people smile, but it's always someone else's fault when things dont go the way I had originally planned.

Cyclone was about to lose it.

"Ahah... yeah, Twitter's uh, a pretty dangerous place. That's why I'm... not on there. All those evil stalkers. Fuck those people. I coulda SWORE you told me just a minute ago that you didnt even give a fuck about your so called haters or whatever. Hahah look, I gotta get going. I just smoked some amazing 'erbage and I got the munchies like a motherfucker. Good luck with life and all that."

Tila put on her best 'poor me' face. Unfortunately, this guy was smart and wasnt buying her horrible acting, so she knew she had to think of something else to say, and quick.

Fine... I understand. But before you go... I just need something to make me feel better.

"Huh? Oh, sure, yeah I got an extra joint on me. It's real nice stuff, it'll give you a strong mellow high."

That'd be great, but I'm talking about this...

...more awkward silence and gagging from narrator...

"Okay wow... wasnt expecting that... okay Tila, here's your joint. Smoke it and call me in the morning when you're not so cuckoo. Maybe we can get together sometime."

Oh, I will. Call ya later, my future baby daddy boo...

"HUH?"

Nothing silly, it's just a pet name, like "wifey." K bye!

LATER THAT NIGHT...

After three phone calls, Tila finally convinced Cyclone to come visit. She told him she had scored some amazing weed and she was afraid to smoke alone in case she freaked out from being so high. It was something she knew Cyclone could relate to, so he caved in and agreed to stop by for just an hour or so, until she came down enough to eat and go to bed. After her encounter with him at the restaurant, she spent the rest of the afternoon redoing her look to resemble what she calls, "The Ultimate Seductress." Apparently she was unaware that dying her hair black and red and inserting yellow contacts would make her resemble a succubus devil woman. Not to mention the fact that greeting a man she barely knows in lingerie just screams, "I'm a HUGE desperate slut" but hey, it wouldnt be Tila without some sort of retarded logic to get a man in bed.

Hello, sex machine... thanks for that joint, it got me super horny. Care to come in? I was thinking, fuck the weed. I have some E we could take... I definitely owe you after the high quality stuff you gave me... hehehe.

"What the shit, Tila? Where are your clothes? You think I'm that type of guy that just jumps every chick that's half naked? I used to be like that, but I'm sick of that life."

You're funny. You cant tell me you dont love this.

Come on, I got all sexified just for you... kiss me you hot piece of ass.

"No, fuck that, I'm pissed. I dont know why you've got me pinned as a manwhore who fucks everything with a vagina and tits, but I'm not."

OH COME ON!!!! You cant do this to me! You kissed me back earlier at the restaurant! I know you want me, I'm throwing myself at you, SO GET INSIDE AND DO ME! I havent gotten laid since I moved here, and I choose YOU! You should feel honored you ungrateful bastard!

"This right here, is slutty and fucked up. I'm not attracted to this. I hate girls that throw themselves at me, I like a challenge. Put some fuckin' clothes on, you're not winning me over with that bullshit. I'm not 16, I've seen and dated some damn hot women, now come on. You need to stick to smoking green, are you on some other sort of medication that's makin' you crazy?"

Yeah yeah yeah I totally understand. I get it, I'll put some clothes on. Please at least come in, I made us food... you know, munchie food! C'mon, I dont bite... only if you want me to.... hehehe...

"No, I'm gonna go, you freak me out. Dont call me until you get your act together. You seem like you'd be an interesting person if you'd get your act together. I lost a lot of friends to hard drugs, I dont want to get close to a junkie only for them to die on me."

Fuck you, asshole. I'm not on drugs. I'm going inside to enjoy the amazing dinner I made and smoke my top of the line weed out of my two foot bong. Your loss, idiot.

'Aw fuck, I hate this woman,' Cyclone thought to himself. Good food and good weed were Cyclone's two weaknesses, and Tila knew it.

"Fine, I'll chill out for a minute, but then I'm out. I came all this way, and after what you just put me through, yeah you owe me a smoking session and a meal."

'I knew I'd get to him eventually... too easy, too easy,' Tila thought to herself.

Follow me, then, my sweet stoner. This way...

Tila lead Cyclone to the kitchen, where naturally there was no food prepared.

'This woman is crazier than I thought. I need to get the fuck out of here.'

"So no food. I take it there's no two foot bong ready to go, either?"

Okay okay you caught me. Again. I can make us food... after I show you around.... um, there's something wrong with the heating vent in my bedroom, can you come look at it and tell me whether or not it's fixable? I cant quite seem to figure it out.

"Nah I dont have time for this. Call a professional about your heating duct, er, vent problem or whatEVER the fuck. Actually, you need to call quite a few people, because you have way more problems than just a busted heating vent."

"I'm tired, so yeah I'm going home. You can say what you want, I'm leaving. For gods sake put some clothes on, I'm sick of seeing your nipples popping out of your bra, they dont look right."

FIRST off, my bras are all too smalI because I've been pregnant like four times, none of which resulted in birth, they just vanished. Secondly, have a bed you can crash in.

"LADY, YOU ARE BAT-FUCKIN'-SHIT CRAZY."

As Cyclone was leaving, Tila finally laid it out on the line.... in her abnormal, nonsensical way of course.

You know the more you turn me down and treat me like shit, the more I get turned on... I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Cyclone. The more people hate on me, the more I love it. It gets me off. Negative attention gets me hot. You're right, Space Cowboy... I am fucked up. I'm REAL fucked up. And I need you to fuck the crazy out of me.

Cyclone thought he could keep his cool and just walk home, but as he closed the door behind him, he nearly had a nervous breakdown.

"This chick is KILLING me. I'm so fucking tired of this bullshit! I just want to meet a nice girl, is that so much to ask?! God DAMMIT!"

As soon as he was about to smoke his last joint in his cigarette pack...

I heard you screaming out here... why dont you just crash in my bed? I promise I wont make any moves. I'll even sleep in my tellytubby pajamas. I just love sleeping next to someone, that's all. I swear on my mother's grave, baby.

"Look, I'm sorry about whatever happened to you, or whatever is going on in your life that's making you so crazy, but I just got out of about three insane relationships and I dont need another psycho in my life."

If you'd just give me a chance, you'd see that I'm not crazy. Just crazy about you, silly...

"How can you be crazy about me already? Cyclone isnt even my real name for fuck's sake, you dont know shit about me, not even my actual name, so dont try to tell me you're already crazy about me. You're insane. What's next, are you going to propose marriage to me tomorrow?"

Yes, life's too short to play games. WILL YOU MARRY ME?

"Lady you are out of your fucking mind. Dont ever call me again. This is exactly why I dont give out my real name. Good luck in this town, you're going to need it."

Yeah whatever, I'll be talking to you soon, Cyclone. My Tila Army would rip you a new one on Twitter, you're so fucking lucky you dont have one. You would CRY.

"Highly doubtful, because I would never act the way you do on the Internet, no matter how badly I was craving attention. You think you're doing well? Then why are so many people hating on you? I highly doubt that many people are "just jealous" but hey, whatever gets you through your psychotic day. Give me a call when you get some help."

And with that, Cyclone ran out of there. The only thing good about the evening was the fact that he realized he could still run just as fast as he did in high school.

'Dude seriously, who calls fans their army? What a nutjob,' Cyclone thought as he sprinted away.

Tila had already formulated a new plan for tomorrow as she got into bed.

Tomorrow, I will be sensible, stylish Tila. Classy, cool, and sexy. Cyclone will be so jealous and sorry when he sees me on the arm of someone who is rich and successful just like me, while looking hot in my new getup.

* STAY TUNED TO CHAPTER 7 COMING LATER ON TONIGHT (4/27/10) HOPE YOU ENJOYED AND HTANKS FOR READING!*

PS-- Thank you all for being so patient with me. The last few weeks have been pretty rough, and without the Internet at my house, it's very difficult to be able to update as often. Luckily, without Internet, it gave me time to write out several more chapters. I'll have Internet access until tomorrow, so as soon as I get chapter 7 up, I will update on my Twitter page (twitter.com/tilatequrazy for those of you dont know).

Thanks again, and give me your feedback good or bad.

**Special Thanks to all the websites that keep up on Tila's ridiculous antics. Links to their websites are to the right**